The Maynards / Oct 05
The Gazette / Lindsay Dobbin & Bridgitte Sullivan

Once upon 1999, a strange series of events resulted in the formation of one of Halifax’s favourite bands. A wrap party for a sci-fi television show, a night of beer guzzling, and a running joke between friends Heath Matheson and Kristina Parlee were the beginnings of the Maynards.

After their first practice, guitarist Matheson and bassist Parlee felt their sound needed something more. “We had a practice at my apartment and we were one member short,” says Matheson. That member was drummer Chantal Tardiff.

Soon after coming together as a three-piece of drums, bass and guitar, the Maynards shelved notions of naming the group Kearney Lake Road (thank goodness) and set their band-naming sights on another Halifax locale: Maynard Street.

Testing Halifax-scene waters as a dance band, the Maynards’ musical range was initially limited by their abilities. The Maynard’s retro sound, however, has become increasingly sophisticated. Peppered with Le Tigre-fashioned shout outs, their sound is like a conversation between your little brother — who speaks quickly and then slowly — and Brian Wilson or Chubby Checker when they weren’t crazy (well, maybe just a little).

Their performance abilities (known as get-it-on-ability at The Gazette) have not only improved: greater thought has been put into the record-making process and their new album, Break Out the Make Out, showcases their expanding abilities as songwriters, musicians and professors of rock ‘n’ roll made fun.

“Getting To Know You, Getting To Know All About You”

Heath Matheson, a guitarist of ageless quality, loves the colour orange and his cat Lips dearly. On the weekends he can be found playing with Lips in the backyard or stocking up on emergency candles at Canadian Tire. Scented candles make him weepy and are less practical during electrical storms, which, by the way, he eagerly awaits. If given the opportunity to appear on Survivor, he’s certain he’d be the catty one that thought they were winning — right up until they were the fourth person voted off.

Kristina Parlee is the bookish type. She loves nothing better than to curl up with a good book and a few slices of flax bread, ideally lightly buttered and sprinkled with garlic. Having driven great and dangerous distances to catch Pavement live in the U.K., she now escapes the confines of automobiles for strolls across the bridge. These jaunts also present the perfect opportunity to test the Maritime winds for incoming blizzards.

Chantal Tardiff is wired at 10 p.m. for projects, scrabble matches, the snarfing of tofu and maybe even lighting citrus-scented candles. But, to be honest, the Maynards seem to have a hate on for these things as a whole. She’s been compared to Andi McDowell but seems to prefer bearing an uncanny resemblance to Margaret Trudeau. She dreams of spending just one cozy afternoon with the late P.E.T., perhaps wearing a sharp, tweed blazer.

Heath’s belief

Heath Matheson wants us to cut the crap. He wants us to stop kidding ourselves and finally come to terms with the true, undiluted meaning of our existence. And lucky enough for us, he has already chiseled away all our complexities and created one simple theory to account for all our actions and inactions.

As far as he is concerned, every decision made — from going after world domination to choosing your caffeinated morning beverage — boils down to a common burning desire to get it on.

“But it’s not about doing it, it’s about making out,” says Matheson. “Doing it is like the end, it’s like the final copulatory end, whereas making out is all about being on the brink. It’s all potential.”

The Maynard’s guitarist believes this theory is most recognizable in teens. Limited responsibility plus the emergence of urges clearly equals an unparalleled desire to swap spit. “All they want to do is make out,” says Matheson. “When I was a teen, if my life was a pie chart, there was like three per cent devoted to daily tasks and 97 per cent was focused on making out.”

Cool.

Matheson believes that even as we age, our appetite for action never leaves us. It seems fooling around is the inescapable motivation for almost everything we do. “Should I invade Kuwait? Do the ladies love a dictator?” says Matheson.

The chance to break out the make out is always on our minds.

Break out the make out! Make out tips from The Maynards!

According to the Maynards, there are only two things listeners should do to their music: dance or make out.

But both at the same time would be ideal; however, few are skilled enough to do both successfully. And some can do neither very well at all.

The Maynards have reached a consensus on the very best in make out advice.

Atmosphere

When creating the ideal make out atmosphere, one must avoid scented candles. A good romantic companion is a considerate one — it must not be forgotten that scented candles make some weepy and put them in no mood for a session.

Dim the lights and set the tone: track 10, “Naked,” on the Maynards’ Break Out The Make Out will certainly get the ball rolling when played softly in the background. Spice is the variety of life, so for a change in setting Heath recommends five minutes in a closet with all your giggling friends outside, listening at the door.

Apparel

Often the outfits that make you look your best are not conducive to heavy-duty make out extravaganzas. Matheson believes enthusiasts should stick with “something light, breezy and Velcro” or a garment flush “with the scent of booze.” Parlee recommends keeping incidents of polyester to a minimum. The main rule is, according to Matheson, to “dress confidently when planning your make out evening.”

Ready, set, go

Once the mood is set, the challenge remains in initiating the first kiss. If we’ve learned anything from Hollywood, a great way to do this is to tell your partner he or she has something on their lip and then dive towards his or her face in a fit of passion. Tardiff believes “lots of giggling and flirting” is another tried-and-true method to secure some lip locking.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Although Matheson feels a boozy kiss is best, Maynards make out expert Tardiff takes her time in pinning down the optimal approach. “Not sloppy, not quick. I would say firm and lots of kissing. Maybe some little bite-y lips.”

Well said.

Time constraints

When Matheson said you should make out as long as your lips can take it, he was definitely not talking about his cat, Lips, but rather that you should stop when you can no longer provide quality kisses. Tardiff agrees: “A good time to stop is when you’re so sleepy you can make out no more.”

And never ever

No talking! “If you’re talking, you’re not doing it right,” says Matheson. “That’s the first clue.” The Maynards all tend to agree on this small matter of etiquette when fooling around.

And what else should one never ever make the mistake of doing? Answering the phone.

“Really, does that happen?” asks Matheson when Tardiff brings up the number one don’t in the world of make out. “Yes, then we’re going to say never answer your phone while making out.”

Make out testimonials from the special make out message board

(cross-listed with the Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff message boards)

“there is this guy in my school. he is a most beautiful, sexy and i just dont know what to say — guy in the world... i love him at first sight. he deserves much much beautiful girl like me but i never wanted to go up to him and just talk to him. i wanted to make out with him. that is all — no talk just kiss. after i listened to the maynards cd i just tripped him in the cafeteria jumped on him and made out with him. he ran off but that was his problem."

"No talk, no talk, no talk. I will remember. I really thought I was being swift being able to multitask while kissing. You know talking on the cell phone while making out! LOL! Was I ever wrong!"

"I HATE HILLARY DUFF DO U??? SORRY I GOT OFF TOPIC.CHAD IS SOSOSOSOSOOSSOSSOSOOSOS X 4 BILLION TIMES HOT THERE IS NO BODY HOTTER IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK NOW I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD POST A MESSAGE!!!CHAD I AM THE BEST MAKEOUT YOULL EVER HAVE! I GOT THE MAYNARDS’ ADVICE!!COME ON WE CAN TALK ABOUT CHAD AND ANTHING ELSE COME ON!!!!! FROM THE MOST HOTTEST GRL ON PLANET EARTH!! SORRY CAN NOT TELL MY NAME!!!!LOL "

"YO... I don’t know what my problem is but i really like scented candles and cats. I think they set the mood. but then i realized that this was my odd obsession and the cats jumping around and smell of lavender really put a damper on my game. THANKS MAYNARDS! "

These are not actual testimonials and are for entertainment purposes only. Even though there may not be a lick of truth in the above quotes, we still support and love Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff (who is coming to town in January… OMG!).

* * *

Above all ideal settings and key moments, there’s a pinnacle for make out magic that stands alone. Gus’ Pub on Oct. 27 at around 10 p.m. is perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make kissy face, and really mean it. It’s also the Maynards’ CD launch party for Break Out The Make Out. Be there — and bring your game.